It Must Be Weird...

So after a while of being in school, I have really cooled down when it comes to making and maintaining friends. I have just let friendships be what they are and thats that. I haven't tried to make new friends, but if they happen I don't push them away.

This has created a cool thing. I have had more time to think and took away a lot of stress. Now here is where it gets weird. In the past I liked to pick people and become their friends one at a time. I did this this with quite a few of my friends and I struggled with doing this a lot. I did think to two guys I live with currently and have done this with quite a few of my current friends.

About two years ago, we were in the big ballroom at a neighboring University for my campus ministry and a new guy went up to speak about what God had been doing in his life. I thought the words the guy spoke were great and he carried himself well. I thought that if I hung out with him, I could become more confident and people would like me more. I leaned over to my friend I was sitting by and said, "He seems cool, I am gonna make him my friend...". The only thing my friend said was, "again...?" My friend had known about this ability I have of picking friends and pursuing them until I consider the mission completed and they are my friend.

One thing that I should explain, is that I pick certain friends for different reasons. Some friends are there just to hang out with, some are there to have deep conversations with and some are there to help me with my schooling. Regardless of which area they are in, I like all my friends the same.

I thought to myself, "well since he is speaking at this meeting, I can imagine that he will be a good friend to talk about deep things with". This thought came from me befriending people at this ministry and we always had deep conversations. Well over the next year or so, I "weaseled" my way into hanging out with him a couple times and we ended up going on a couple walks last semester. We both found out that we both liked to stay up late and talk about deep things effecting our lives. The great thing about this friendship was that we could vent about stuff and the other person didn't know anyone the other person referenced. This is because we go to different schools and hang out with different people.

After having some great convo's last semester, we parted ways for the summer, occasionally talked for a couple minutes on the phone during the summer. And then this semester hit, and we have walked a couple times and had some good conversations again. He has told me that this semester I seem more like a leader and mature. I took that as a compliment and thanked him.

The odd things is, I don't have a lot of good friends anymore, because I have not put in the time and have not tried to be there to continue the relationships. This is not a bad thing, just different than in the past. It was odd how the last person that I decided to be my friend, actually is my closest friend this year. Funny how those things work.

I hope that in the future I can make more friends and continue to grow and help other people in life.

Much Love & Respect,
Spenny

Mentorship

Mentorship, that is one thing that I wish I had more of these days. I am wandering down this lonely road of life aimlessly. I think that I underestimate God. Thinking that He can not mentor me, but to be honest I want someone who can put their arm on my shoulder and tell me everything is gonna be okay and then slap me on the back and tell me to get to work.

I need someone in the flesh to give me awesome advice when I don't have any and someone who can give me a disproving look when I am being stupid.... at this point in writing, I realize that I sound like either an angsty 90's teenager or a whiney high school girl, but to be honest this is the best thing I could think of when describing what I want from a mentor.

For a long time I have relied on others for direction, even without even knowing it. I did sports in high school, because all the other guys were doing it and I wanted to belong. I have done University, because that is what most people do. So with that, I started a career, even though I had no interest in going into business or advertising. I have done a lot of things in my life because a lot of other people wanted to do them.

I think it shows, when I look back and see that I haven't ever really excelled in anything. Most of the time I have just been mediocre at most things, and I have been content with that, because I thought that is the best I could do. Since the time I was little, I was striving to make others happy, all the way up to this day.

Here is the deal (which is the statement that my dad says all the time, and I never thought that I would pick it up and say it...ever), I was sitting at a table at school today in the Union and thought about how the people on the Biggest Loser are always told that they have always done things for other, before themselves. They have to put themselves first to get anywhere and keep off the weight long after the show is over. I have been watching the show for the last three seasons and I now understand what they are saying. I have to find myself.

This mindset also applies to my faith. I have been taught things for so long, that I have been a jumble of a whole bunch of other people's theology for a while. I have in the last week started to study the Bible like I study a subject in school, thinking about the context of the story, mindset in application and being generous in how much to study in a day (study as much as I feel would keep my mind working till the next day of study).

Now, I have been changing my mindset when it comes to work, the future and my study of the Bible. The only thing is, that I don't feel like I have anyone to confide in. I don't feel like I can express my thoughts to anyone and get an answer. I have a lot on my heart sometimes, but I have no one to say, "hey man, you know me pretty well, what do you think about this idea?" Maybe that is what this blog can be? A place where I can put my ideas and you guys can lift them up or shoot them down.

Right now I am set to move back home and work for a while and pay off my loans. I am thinking that after a while, I will go to seminary for Biblical Counseling and then go to a church up in the North to work at a church. I am not sure if I am doing the right thing... That is why I need a mentor.

Thanks for listening.

Much Love & Respect,
Spenny

Homestyle

I have been home for the last 4 days and I have been happy and had some serious fun. Partially due to "chillin" with my friend Adam and partially because I am in a place that is comfortable to me. The odd thing is, that I don't want to go back to school at all. I have no desire to go back and try medium-hard at a place I don't care about. I have been doing school for the last 4 years and I am almost done with my degree and I don't care. I know that I have to finish since I have put so much time and effort into getting this far. I will be the 2nd person in my immediate family to complete a bachelor degree, which in my mind is the only on that really means anything. Associates means that you have tried a little and you have just enough energy to do 2 years. Lazy. Masters means that you are either smart, really smart or determined, which to me doesn't matter, because you are losing your mind at this point. Doctorate just means that you either are insane or have the goal of getting there at some point. You are a workaholic. After I am done with school I will go to work for a couple years and then go to seminary, Lord willing. I know that it sounds like a huge endeavor, but honestly I think that I need the training and I think that I will want to accomplish more in the future, regarding counseling.

I will be happy as long as I am close to family and friends and have a good ministry.

I want to thank Adam Buddy for the fun times that we had together and I look forward to chillin with him again. I always do

Much Love and Respect,
Spenny

HW and IHOP

So I have been sitting here doing homework and I have been listening to IHOP. I have been writing a paper/speech for my ethics class and working on a presentation for this week. The weird thing is that even though I am tired and have been working for part of the day on HW, I am still able to continue to work on HW at this time of night.

I think that I am going to do some experimenting with this website. I am gonna play it whenever I am here at the house and see how much work I get done. I think that it will be the difference this year between me just stopping caring and doing well in school.

I am going home this weekend and I think it will be interesting. My grandparents are going to be there as well and I haven't seen them in a while and I have never really connected with them, so it should be interesting, I think that I am partly going home because I haven't seen them in two years and I feel bad. The other part is going home and getting home cooking and also going home to play some Halo Reach with my friend Adam.

I think it is time to go to bed now, because my eyes are doing a squinty thing, which reminds me that I am going to be getting my Ray Bans here in the next week and looking cool.

Much Love and Respect,
Spenny

If You Really Knew Me

As I have been watching this season of "If You Really Knew Me", I have been thinking more and more about if people really knew me. They talk about how everyone needs to be heard, I don't feel like anyone is listening. Honestly. I don't want to sound selfish, but I think that it would be healthy. I feel unhealthy in my heart. It is more than sin though, it is pressure. The pressures of life are getting to me. What is the next step in life, when are you gonna get married and to who, why don't you care about school? I fell alone. There are some people that I talk to but I don't think of them as people that I can open up to. Somehow I started off University being an open book, but have closed down since then. I know this makes me sound like I am sad all the time, but I am not. I am just a little depressed and lonely, There will be something to come. I have faith. I hope you are doing well and I look forward to talking to you again.

Much Love and Respect,
Spenny

IV Year Jitters

So this is my fourth year of university and I don't feel like have been in school for the last four years. It doesn't even seem like I am 22 or out of High School. When is this 3 year long summer break gonna end and let me go back to Mrs. R's class and learn about CS Lewis.

I don't want to be a big boy. I want to play in my back yard with a box and Benny again. (I say this as I drink coffee, which I assure you is a big boy drink). I long for the days when I can just lay in the back yard with no worries of tomorrow. I am now hitting the stage in my life where I have to find a job and work for about 30 - 35 years and be able to retire. Although, I am not really sure how my generation is suppose to retire, if all of the SS is gone to my parents. That sucks.

I will be gradating in the next 8 months and I will be forced to find a job, so that I can pay off my loans and get a handle on what it means to be an adult. The only problem is, that I am not ready yet. I feel like my parents are still holding the reigns in my life in some areas. Most of my friends are getting or have gotten married in the past year. Oh Boy!!! I don't feel like I will get married till I am 30 or so.

This is a lot of things to think about while in your senior year of University and I don't think that it is all that helpful or healthy. I do have a lot of people pouring into me with advice and counsel... and prayer, can't forget that one. My pastor back home: Ashley has become my new Dan Allen and assists me in any area I ask of him; multiple pastors in Fargo: Pastor Brad helps me with preparation for Small Group and leadership; Pastor Matthew St John helps me with future preparations and seminary; Pastor Jeff Walton helps with ideas on how to make counseling a reality and Gary Vaughn helps me by locating the right people or counsel. See, I am surrounded by a plethora of guys that help me and there are more that pray for me and check in at random points to make sure I am on task and doing alright.

I do have to say in the last year and a half, my dependence on people has gone down, which at times is great, because then they do not become idols in my life, but at other times, I am lonely and I don't seek God, so I am completely miserable. I know this sounds back, but it is somewhat comforting to me. As the years go on, I will depend less on people and more on God, so my life will slowly begin to look the way should have all the way.

I feel slowly as this blog was being written, my heart started to change and I began to see that I am maturing, but sometimes I can't see my own growth. I may have felt like I am still a child an hour ago and fell into the standard of the world, but now I am starting to feel like God has put a greater call on my life and I just need to embrace it and learn to deal with that feeling of complacency.

Although, no matter what, I think that I will always be an ADD person and hate doing homework. I just do.

I hope that my random rambling made you happy or sad, as long as you are feeling something.

Love and Respect,
Spenny

Furture

So I have had some time to take a break from blogging and a vision for the future. I desire to continue my experience that I have taken up in University. I have started to love to talk to people and try and assist them in their troubles. I desire in some small way to become a Biblical counselor. I have had mixed feelings from this. "Can I do it?", "Is this just a whim or is this what I am suppose to do?". My sister assures me that I will not be able to listen to people that long and help them. I have also been told that if i want to do that, I will also have to do another job in a church, because most churches can not afford to pay someone to just be a counselor.

This along with the coming of my new pastor to my church back in Williston, North Dakota, has sparked my desire to go into ministry. Did I see this coming? Not really, but in some way, I always knew that I would. Especially after I started to not care about any other job that I have had.

Sorry, let me get back to my new pastor and what I think about him. His name is Pastor Ashley Olinger. I would personally describe him as a mix of John Piper, Dan Allen and my Grandpa Stan. But if I would try and describe him to someone who doesn't know who those people are, I would have to say that he is a knowledgeable and wise man. He demands respect, all at the same time staying completely humble. It only took me hearing him speak once to see that he is going to destroy the communities in Western North Dakota. And by that, I mean that he is going to take everyone by surprise. I see some of the things he is doing, done at college and in the campus ministries, but the people over in Williston have never seen this stuff and they will never see it coming.

I really wish that I could have been a real Christian long before now and he would have been my pastor before this time. I would have loved to be discipled by him in high school and gone to the same school in Canada as him, so that I could have gotten the same training as him, so that I would be as effective as him. But you know what, I can not live in the past, and all I can really do is live for the future.

As great as Ashley is, he would be nothing without his wife Lisa. She is the ying to his yang the peanut butter to his jelly. She is as strong as an ox mentally-wise. If something needs to get done, Lisa can do it. She is organized and can get you out of a tough pinch. (I think that is a term... sorry if it isn't). I am excited to see them work in the future. I think once I hang out with her more in the future I can lock down a more descriptive paragraph.

They have two sons too. Maybe in a future blog I will type on them. Aaron and Adam are awesome for their own reasons. They inspire me, Aaron for his responsibility and Adam for his likability and knowledge/wisdom at a young age.

Love and Respect,
Spenny

So April Showers Brings Me Towers

So looking back at my April post about missing Aaron... I am feeling the same way now. I took Aaron for granted. He has always lived with me and so when I was privileged to see him get married to his beautiful bride, I was really happy for him, but at the same time sad for myself. It feels like I am gaining a sister, but losing a friend. Now I know what you are thinking, "Spenny, that doesn't make sense", and you are correct, t doesn't. I have thought of Aaron as a brother for such a long time, because I never had one and never really had anyone that came close for most of my life. I have always made a big deal about who my friends are and who I feel close to, but Aaron was the first friend that got me, was competitive and would not turn down a good conversation or a comforting hug. I feel like he is the closest thing I have to a brother. But now that he is married, we can not be friends like we used to. No longer can we play Magic till 1 a.m. and hang out in my room playing video games. He has to become one with his new bride. They have to grow closer and I know that things will change and she will take some of the things away from us. Don't get me wrong, its not bad, it in fact has to happen, or their marriage would suck. She has to live with him, spend more time with him and share life with him, now that they live together. I totally get that, cause they will be together for the rest of their lives, honoring God and loving each other in ways our friendship could not. Now I have known her for a while and I knew her slightly, but it wasn't until the wedding that I got to see some of the great things about her and hear some of the things that people admired about her. I feel that I have a greater respect for her and I think that Aaron is in good hands. Now the application part of my blog: I think that this blog about Aaron leaving my life and starting a new one is how the Lord works in our lives to make us a new creation in Him. Aaron is leaving the old life of hanging out with me, in this illustration I will symbolize a sinful lifestyle and he has moved on to a new one, which is symbolized by the new married life. Aaron will still sometimes hang out with me and some things will remind him of me, but that will slowly fade away. This is like a new life in Christ, we are still new creations, but we still sometimes dabble in the old lifestyle. As time goes on, our friendship will fade and the new life will take hold of him as he acquires children and takes care of his family. I will one day be a small blip on the radar, but sometimes things will remind him of me and the good times, but we will not talk much. This is like when we mature in Christ, we become so involved in Him, that we lose focus on the sin in our lives. The sin is not a big part of our lives, but some things will remind us of our past sin. I hope that this blog helped you. I know that I had to verbalize this thought, cause its been on my mind for a while.

Love and Respect,

Spenny

Striving

So I strive toward a goal I will never get to, and I do things that I don't want to do. I am a new creature in Christ Jesus, yet I still struggle and feel like I am my old self. This does not make sense to me. I am happy with life, giving up all of my old selfish self and choosing to be someone new. I don't know if it is a choice though. I am striving to embrace my new found self, and have even had people comment on how I have changed. I don't know if that is good to tell me, don't get me wrong, I would love to drop the persona of a "weird, social whore", but it is hard, when even my best friends encourage it. I am really trying to become this humble, Christian guy, who everyone knows is a Christian and if they have questions they can ask, but I don't want to wait for people to ask, that is far too passive and God has not called us to be passive. I will bring up the conversations, because after all, I am a social person, plus people have not been bread to naturally talk to other people about what they believe in, because the US it too worried about offending people, because its too uncomfortable. So I guess I am trying to say that since I have been acting like I have been in the past and not embracing the Lord, I have been finding hardship, because I am not the person I want to be. Even though God is good, and His love doesn't change. I can not count on my friends to carry my walk with the Lord, because they have a different walk than me, and I then them. This took me a long time. I love people, but most of the time, I love them too much. They are my "heart idol". Really when it comes down to it, I struggle with only a couple things: People Pleasing, Lust, Selfishness in general and idolatry. I am a sinful man, no better than any one person, I have just embraced someone as my savior, because if He is who He is, I am in for a good time. I think that is partially why I am so messed up, because sometimes, it is just hard to see that goal. The goal of being with Jesus forever.

I am out, because in all of this, there is a lot of nonsense and random thoughts. I hope that they serve you well and give you some new prospectives.

Much Love & Respect,
Spenny

Is there sliding back in growth?

So lately I have been told that I seem different by a couple different friends. I have even been told that by a girl I have never really talked to. So does this mean that I am changing who I am, or does that mean that God is finally changing who I am? It's really odd. I was told two times by the same person and once by another friend that I act different, not as weird anymore. My one friend still insists on calling me weird and a freak, which to be honest hurts my feelings, because I look up to them. I am trying to be more quiet, reserved and pick my battles, along with pray and read the Bible more, memorize scripture and just plain 'ol love on people. I think it is working, but who knows. I hope that this change in me is evident to myself soon, or the people who tell me this have gotten my hopes up for nothing. I honestly don't have a problem with changing myself, I mean, I have been doing it for years. Thanks for reading about me and thank you for supporting me in this adventure. I am currently in the process of being changed and hopefully I can be lucky enough to intern at University of New Mexico after I graduate. I can only leave it in His hands. I love all of you who read this. I have since this last summer stopped advertising that I am going to be blogging and just let the people who really care just come and stare into my thoughts... this is your reward.

Much Love,
Spenny

Time for me to grow up.

I have deleted all of my old posts, except two. The pictures in these two remind me of good times of the past. I will be blogging on what God is teaching me and such. No more sad tales of friendships past and failed. I am excited to see what God does now.

I can tell you, that I am getting more excited for prayer. Pray for me, pray that I am continuing in prayer all the time. I want to be overwhelmed by it. I want to pray different than I do now.

Much Respect,
Spenny