It Must Be Weird...

So after a while of being in school, I have really cooled down when it comes to making and maintaining friends. I have just let friendships be what they are and thats that. I haven't tried to make new friends, but if they happen I don't push them away.

This has created a cool thing. I have had more time to think and took away a lot of stress. Now here is where it gets weird. In the past I liked to pick people and become their friends one at a time. I did this this with quite a few of my friends and I struggled with doing this a lot. I did think to two guys I live with currently and have done this with quite a few of my current friends.

About two years ago, we were in the big ballroom at a neighboring University for my campus ministry and a new guy went up to speak about what God had been doing in his life. I thought the words the guy spoke were great and he carried himself well. I thought that if I hung out with him, I could become more confident and people would like me more. I leaned over to my friend I was sitting by and said, "He seems cool, I am gonna make him my friend...". The only thing my friend said was, "again...?" My friend had known about this ability I have of picking friends and pursuing them until I consider the mission completed and they are my friend.

One thing that I should explain, is that I pick certain friends for different reasons. Some friends are there just to hang out with, some are there to have deep conversations with and some are there to help me with my schooling. Regardless of which area they are in, I like all my friends the same.

I thought to myself, "well since he is speaking at this meeting, I can imagine that he will be a good friend to talk about deep things with". This thought came from me befriending people at this ministry and we always had deep conversations. Well over the next year or so, I "weaseled" my way into hanging out with him a couple times and we ended up going on a couple walks last semester. We both found out that we both liked to stay up late and talk about deep things effecting our lives. The great thing about this friendship was that we could vent about stuff and the other person didn't know anyone the other person referenced. This is because we go to different schools and hang out with different people.

After having some great convo's last semester, we parted ways for the summer, occasionally talked for a couple minutes on the phone during the summer. And then this semester hit, and we have walked a couple times and had some good conversations again. He has told me that this semester I seem more like a leader and mature. I took that as a compliment and thanked him.

The odd things is, I don't have a lot of good friends anymore, because I have not put in the time and have not tried to be there to continue the relationships. This is not a bad thing, just different than in the past. It was odd how the last person that I decided to be my friend, actually is my closest friend this year. Funny how those things work.

I hope that in the future I can make more friends and continue to grow and help other people in life.

Much Love & Respect,
Spenny

Mentorship

Mentorship, that is one thing that I wish I had more of these days. I am wandering down this lonely road of life aimlessly. I think that I underestimate God. Thinking that He can not mentor me, but to be honest I want someone who can put their arm on my shoulder and tell me everything is gonna be okay and then slap me on the back and tell me to get to work.

I need someone in the flesh to give me awesome advice when I don't have any and someone who can give me a disproving look when I am being stupid.... at this point in writing, I realize that I sound like either an angsty 90's teenager or a whiney high school girl, but to be honest this is the best thing I could think of when describing what I want from a mentor.

For a long time I have relied on others for direction, even without even knowing it. I did sports in high school, because all the other guys were doing it and I wanted to belong. I have done University, because that is what most people do. So with that, I started a career, even though I had no interest in going into business or advertising. I have done a lot of things in my life because a lot of other people wanted to do them.

I think it shows, when I look back and see that I haven't ever really excelled in anything. Most of the time I have just been mediocre at most things, and I have been content with that, because I thought that is the best I could do. Since the time I was little, I was striving to make others happy, all the way up to this day.

Here is the deal (which is the statement that my dad says all the time, and I never thought that I would pick it up and say it...ever), I was sitting at a table at school today in the Union and thought about how the people on the Biggest Loser are always told that they have always done things for other, before themselves. They have to put themselves first to get anywhere and keep off the weight long after the show is over. I have been watching the show for the last three seasons and I now understand what they are saying. I have to find myself.

This mindset also applies to my faith. I have been taught things for so long, that I have been a jumble of a whole bunch of other people's theology for a while. I have in the last week started to study the Bible like I study a subject in school, thinking about the context of the story, mindset in application and being generous in how much to study in a day (study as much as I feel would keep my mind working till the next day of study).

Now, I have been changing my mindset when it comes to work, the future and my study of the Bible. The only thing is, that I don't feel like I have anyone to confide in. I don't feel like I can express my thoughts to anyone and get an answer. I have a lot on my heart sometimes, but I have no one to say, "hey man, you know me pretty well, what do you think about this idea?" Maybe that is what this blog can be? A place where I can put my ideas and you guys can lift them up or shoot them down.

Right now I am set to move back home and work for a while and pay off my loans. I am thinking that after a while, I will go to seminary for Biblical Counseling and then go to a church up in the North to work at a church. I am not sure if I am doing the right thing... That is why I need a mentor.

Thanks for listening.

Much Love & Respect,
Spenny