If You Really Knew Me

As I have been watching this season of "If You Really Knew Me", I have been thinking more and more about if people really knew me. They talk about how everyone needs to be heard, I don't feel like anyone is listening. Honestly. I don't want to sound selfish, but I think that it would be healthy. I feel unhealthy in my heart. It is more than sin though, it is pressure. The pressures of life are getting to me. What is the next step in life, when are you gonna get married and to who, why don't you care about school? I fell alone. There are some people that I talk to but I don't think of them as people that I can open up to. Somehow I started off University being an open book, but have closed down since then. I know this makes me sound like I am sad all the time, but I am not. I am just a little depressed and lonely, There will be something to come. I have faith. I hope you are doing well and I look forward to talking to you again.

Much Love and Respect,
Spenny

IV Year Jitters

So this is my fourth year of university and I don't feel like have been in school for the last four years. It doesn't even seem like I am 22 or out of High School. When is this 3 year long summer break gonna end and let me go back to Mrs. R's class and learn about CS Lewis.

I don't want to be a big boy. I want to play in my back yard with a box and Benny again. (I say this as I drink coffee, which I assure you is a big boy drink). I long for the days when I can just lay in the back yard with no worries of tomorrow. I am now hitting the stage in my life where I have to find a job and work for about 30 - 35 years and be able to retire. Although, I am not really sure how my generation is suppose to retire, if all of the SS is gone to my parents. That sucks.

I will be gradating in the next 8 months and I will be forced to find a job, so that I can pay off my loans and get a handle on what it means to be an adult. The only problem is, that I am not ready yet. I feel like my parents are still holding the reigns in my life in some areas. Most of my friends are getting or have gotten married in the past year. Oh Boy!!! I don't feel like I will get married till I am 30 or so.

This is a lot of things to think about while in your senior year of University and I don't think that it is all that helpful or healthy. I do have a lot of people pouring into me with advice and counsel... and prayer, can't forget that one. My pastor back home: Ashley has become my new Dan Allen and assists me in any area I ask of him; multiple pastors in Fargo: Pastor Brad helps me with preparation for Small Group and leadership; Pastor Matthew St John helps me with future preparations and seminary; Pastor Jeff Walton helps with ideas on how to make counseling a reality and Gary Vaughn helps me by locating the right people or counsel. See, I am surrounded by a plethora of guys that help me and there are more that pray for me and check in at random points to make sure I am on task and doing alright.

I do have to say in the last year and a half, my dependence on people has gone down, which at times is great, because then they do not become idols in my life, but at other times, I am lonely and I don't seek God, so I am completely miserable. I know this sounds back, but it is somewhat comforting to me. As the years go on, I will depend less on people and more on God, so my life will slowly begin to look the way should have all the way.

I feel slowly as this blog was being written, my heart started to change and I began to see that I am maturing, but sometimes I can't see my own growth. I may have felt like I am still a child an hour ago and fell into the standard of the world, but now I am starting to feel like God has put a greater call on my life and I just need to embrace it and learn to deal with that feeling of complacency.

Although, no matter what, I think that I will always be an ADD person and hate doing homework. I just do.

I hope that my random rambling made you happy or sad, as long as you are feeling something.

Love and Respect,
Spenny

Furture

So I have had some time to take a break from blogging and a vision for the future. I desire to continue my experience that I have taken up in University. I have started to love to talk to people and try and assist them in their troubles. I desire in some small way to become a Biblical counselor. I have had mixed feelings from this. "Can I do it?", "Is this just a whim or is this what I am suppose to do?". My sister assures me that I will not be able to listen to people that long and help them. I have also been told that if i want to do that, I will also have to do another job in a church, because most churches can not afford to pay someone to just be a counselor.

This along with the coming of my new pastor to my church back in Williston, North Dakota, has sparked my desire to go into ministry. Did I see this coming? Not really, but in some way, I always knew that I would. Especially after I started to not care about any other job that I have had.

Sorry, let me get back to my new pastor and what I think about him. His name is Pastor Ashley Olinger. I would personally describe him as a mix of John Piper, Dan Allen and my Grandpa Stan. But if I would try and describe him to someone who doesn't know who those people are, I would have to say that he is a knowledgeable and wise man. He demands respect, all at the same time staying completely humble. It only took me hearing him speak once to see that he is going to destroy the communities in Western North Dakota. And by that, I mean that he is going to take everyone by surprise. I see some of the things he is doing, done at college and in the campus ministries, but the people over in Williston have never seen this stuff and they will never see it coming.

I really wish that I could have been a real Christian long before now and he would have been my pastor before this time. I would have loved to be discipled by him in high school and gone to the same school in Canada as him, so that I could have gotten the same training as him, so that I would be as effective as him. But you know what, I can not live in the past, and all I can really do is live for the future.

As great as Ashley is, he would be nothing without his wife Lisa. She is the ying to his yang the peanut butter to his jelly. She is as strong as an ox mentally-wise. If something needs to get done, Lisa can do it. She is organized and can get you out of a tough pinch. (I think that is a term... sorry if it isn't). I am excited to see them work in the future. I think once I hang out with her more in the future I can lock down a more descriptive paragraph.

They have two sons too. Maybe in a future blog I will type on them. Aaron and Adam are awesome for their own reasons. They inspire me, Aaron for his responsibility and Adam for his likability and knowledge/wisdom at a young age.

Love and Respect,
Spenny

So April Showers Brings Me Towers

So looking back at my April post about missing Aaron... I am feeling the same way now. I took Aaron for granted. He has always lived with me and so when I was privileged to see him get married to his beautiful bride, I was really happy for him, but at the same time sad for myself. It feels like I am gaining a sister, but losing a friend. Now I know what you are thinking, "Spenny, that doesn't make sense", and you are correct, t doesn't. I have thought of Aaron as a brother for such a long time, because I never had one and never really had anyone that came close for most of my life. I have always made a big deal about who my friends are and who I feel close to, but Aaron was the first friend that got me, was competitive and would not turn down a good conversation or a comforting hug. I feel like he is the closest thing I have to a brother. But now that he is married, we can not be friends like we used to. No longer can we play Magic till 1 a.m. and hang out in my room playing video games. He has to become one with his new bride. They have to grow closer and I know that things will change and she will take some of the things away from us. Don't get me wrong, its not bad, it in fact has to happen, or their marriage would suck. She has to live with him, spend more time with him and share life with him, now that they live together. I totally get that, cause they will be together for the rest of their lives, honoring God and loving each other in ways our friendship could not. Now I have known her for a while and I knew her slightly, but it wasn't until the wedding that I got to see some of the great things about her and hear some of the things that people admired about her. I feel that I have a greater respect for her and I think that Aaron is in good hands. Now the application part of my blog: I think that this blog about Aaron leaving my life and starting a new one is how the Lord works in our lives to make us a new creation in Him. Aaron is leaving the old life of hanging out with me, in this illustration I will symbolize a sinful lifestyle and he has moved on to a new one, which is symbolized by the new married life. Aaron will still sometimes hang out with me and some things will remind him of me, but that will slowly fade away. This is like a new life in Christ, we are still new creations, but we still sometimes dabble in the old lifestyle. As time goes on, our friendship will fade and the new life will take hold of him as he acquires children and takes care of his family. I will one day be a small blip on the radar, but sometimes things will remind him of me and the good times, but we will not talk much. This is like when we mature in Christ, we become so involved in Him, that we lose focus on the sin in our lives. The sin is not a big part of our lives, but some things will remind us of our past sin. I hope that this blog helped you. I know that I had to verbalize this thought, cause its been on my mind for a while.

Love and Respect,

Spenny

Striving

So I strive toward a goal I will never get to, and I do things that I don't want to do. I am a new creature in Christ Jesus, yet I still struggle and feel like I am my old self. This does not make sense to me. I am happy with life, giving up all of my old selfish self and choosing to be someone new. I don't know if it is a choice though. I am striving to embrace my new found self, and have even had people comment on how I have changed. I don't know if that is good to tell me, don't get me wrong, I would love to drop the persona of a "weird, social whore", but it is hard, when even my best friends encourage it. I am really trying to become this humble, Christian guy, who everyone knows is a Christian and if they have questions they can ask, but I don't want to wait for people to ask, that is far too passive and God has not called us to be passive. I will bring up the conversations, because after all, I am a social person, plus people have not been bread to naturally talk to other people about what they believe in, because the US it too worried about offending people, because its too uncomfortable. So I guess I am trying to say that since I have been acting like I have been in the past and not embracing the Lord, I have been finding hardship, because I am not the person I want to be. Even though God is good, and His love doesn't change. I can not count on my friends to carry my walk with the Lord, because they have a different walk than me, and I then them. This took me a long time. I love people, but most of the time, I love them too much. They are my "heart idol". Really when it comes down to it, I struggle with only a couple things: People Pleasing, Lust, Selfishness in general and idolatry. I am a sinful man, no better than any one person, I have just embraced someone as my savior, because if He is who He is, I am in for a good time. I think that is partially why I am so messed up, because sometimes, it is just hard to see that goal. The goal of being with Jesus forever.

I am out, because in all of this, there is a lot of nonsense and random thoughts. I hope that they serve you well and give you some new prospectives.

Much Love & Respect,
Spenny

Is there sliding back in growth?

So lately I have been told that I seem different by a couple different friends. I have even been told that by a girl I have never really talked to. So does this mean that I am changing who I am, or does that mean that God is finally changing who I am? It's really odd. I was told two times by the same person and once by another friend that I act different, not as weird anymore. My one friend still insists on calling me weird and a freak, which to be honest hurts my feelings, because I look up to them. I am trying to be more quiet, reserved and pick my battles, along with pray and read the Bible more, memorize scripture and just plain 'ol love on people. I think it is working, but who knows. I hope that this change in me is evident to myself soon, or the people who tell me this have gotten my hopes up for nothing. I honestly don't have a problem with changing myself, I mean, I have been doing it for years. Thanks for reading about me and thank you for supporting me in this adventure. I am currently in the process of being changed and hopefully I can be lucky enough to intern at University of New Mexico after I graduate. I can only leave it in His hands. I love all of you who read this. I have since this last summer stopped advertising that I am going to be blogging and just let the people who really care just come and stare into my thoughts... this is your reward.

Much Love,
Spenny

Time for me to grow up.

I have deleted all of my old posts, except two. The pictures in these two remind me of good times of the past. I will be blogging on what God is teaching me and such. No more sad tales of friendships past and failed. I am excited to see what God does now.

I can tell you, that I am getting more excited for prayer. Pray for me, pray that I am continuing in prayer all the time. I want to be overwhelmed by it. I want to pray different than I do now.

Much Respect,
Spenny