It Must Be Weird...

So after a while of being in school, I have really cooled down when it comes to making and maintaining friends. I have just let friendships be what they are and thats that. I haven't tried to make new friends, but if they happen I don't push them away.

This has created a cool thing. I have had more time to think and took away a lot of stress. Now here is where it gets weird. In the past I liked to pick people and become their friends one at a time. I did this this with quite a few of my friends and I struggled with doing this a lot. I did think to two guys I live with currently and have done this with quite a few of my current friends.

About two years ago, we were in the big ballroom at a neighboring University for my campus ministry and a new guy went up to speak about what God had been doing in his life. I thought the words the guy spoke were great and he carried himself well. I thought that if I hung out with him, I could become more confident and people would like me more. I leaned over to my friend I was sitting by and said, "He seems cool, I am gonna make him my friend...". The only thing my friend said was, "again...?" My friend had known about this ability I have of picking friends and pursuing them until I consider the mission completed and they are my friend.

One thing that I should explain, is that I pick certain friends for different reasons. Some friends are there just to hang out with, some are there to have deep conversations with and some are there to help me with my schooling. Regardless of which area they are in, I like all my friends the same.

I thought to myself, "well since he is speaking at this meeting, I can imagine that he will be a good friend to talk about deep things with". This thought came from me befriending people at this ministry and we always had deep conversations. Well over the next year or so, I "weaseled" my way into hanging out with him a couple times and we ended up going on a couple walks last semester. We both found out that we both liked to stay up late and talk about deep things effecting our lives. The great thing about this friendship was that we could vent about stuff and the other person didn't know anyone the other person referenced. This is because we go to different schools and hang out with different people.

After having some great convo's last semester, we parted ways for the summer, occasionally talked for a couple minutes on the phone during the summer. And then this semester hit, and we have walked a couple times and had some good conversations again. He has told me that this semester I seem more like a leader and mature. I took that as a compliment and thanked him.

The odd things is, I don't have a lot of good friends anymore, because I have not put in the time and have not tried to be there to continue the relationships. This is not a bad thing, just different than in the past. It was odd how the last person that I decided to be my friend, actually is my closest friend this year. Funny how those things work.

I hope that in the future I can make more friends and continue to grow and help other people in life.

Much Love & Respect,
Spenny

Mentorship

Mentorship, that is one thing that I wish I had more of these days. I am wandering down this lonely road of life aimlessly. I think that I underestimate God. Thinking that He can not mentor me, but to be honest I want someone who can put their arm on my shoulder and tell me everything is gonna be okay and then slap me on the back and tell me to get to work.

I need someone in the flesh to give me awesome advice when I don't have any and someone who can give me a disproving look when I am being stupid.... at this point in writing, I realize that I sound like either an angsty 90's teenager or a whiney high school girl, but to be honest this is the best thing I could think of when describing what I want from a mentor.

For a long time I have relied on others for direction, even without even knowing it. I did sports in high school, because all the other guys were doing it and I wanted to belong. I have done University, because that is what most people do. So with that, I started a career, even though I had no interest in going into business or advertising. I have done a lot of things in my life because a lot of other people wanted to do them.

I think it shows, when I look back and see that I haven't ever really excelled in anything. Most of the time I have just been mediocre at most things, and I have been content with that, because I thought that is the best I could do. Since the time I was little, I was striving to make others happy, all the way up to this day.

Here is the deal (which is the statement that my dad says all the time, and I never thought that I would pick it up and say it...ever), I was sitting at a table at school today in the Union and thought about how the people on the Biggest Loser are always told that they have always done things for other, before themselves. They have to put themselves first to get anywhere and keep off the weight long after the show is over. I have been watching the show for the last three seasons and I now understand what they are saying. I have to find myself.

This mindset also applies to my faith. I have been taught things for so long, that I have been a jumble of a whole bunch of other people's theology for a while. I have in the last week started to study the Bible like I study a subject in school, thinking about the context of the story, mindset in application and being generous in how much to study in a day (study as much as I feel would keep my mind working till the next day of study).

Now, I have been changing my mindset when it comes to work, the future and my study of the Bible. The only thing is, that I don't feel like I have anyone to confide in. I don't feel like I can express my thoughts to anyone and get an answer. I have a lot on my heart sometimes, but I have no one to say, "hey man, you know me pretty well, what do you think about this idea?" Maybe that is what this blog can be? A place where I can put my ideas and you guys can lift them up or shoot them down.

Right now I am set to move back home and work for a while and pay off my loans. I am thinking that after a while, I will go to seminary for Biblical Counseling and then go to a church up in the North to work at a church. I am not sure if I am doing the right thing... That is why I need a mentor.

Thanks for listening.

Much Love & Respect,
Spenny

Homestyle

I have been home for the last 4 days and I have been happy and had some serious fun. Partially due to "chillin" with my friend Adam and partially because I am in a place that is comfortable to me. The odd thing is, that I don't want to go back to school at all. I have no desire to go back and try medium-hard at a place I don't care about. I have been doing school for the last 4 years and I am almost done with my degree and I don't care. I know that I have to finish since I have put so much time and effort into getting this far. I will be the 2nd person in my immediate family to complete a bachelor degree, which in my mind is the only on that really means anything. Associates means that you have tried a little and you have just enough energy to do 2 years. Lazy. Masters means that you are either smart, really smart or determined, which to me doesn't matter, because you are losing your mind at this point. Doctorate just means that you either are insane or have the goal of getting there at some point. You are a workaholic. After I am done with school I will go to work for a couple years and then go to seminary, Lord willing. I know that it sounds like a huge endeavor, but honestly I think that I need the training and I think that I will want to accomplish more in the future, regarding counseling.

I will be happy as long as I am close to family and friends and have a good ministry.

I want to thank Adam Buddy for the fun times that we had together and I look forward to chillin with him again. I always do

Much Love and Respect,
Spenny

HW and IHOP

So I have been sitting here doing homework and I have been listening to IHOP. I have been writing a paper/speech for my ethics class and working on a presentation for this week. The weird thing is that even though I am tired and have been working for part of the day on HW, I am still able to continue to work on HW at this time of night.

I think that I am going to do some experimenting with this website. I am gonna play it whenever I am here at the house and see how much work I get done. I think that it will be the difference this year between me just stopping caring and doing well in school.

I am going home this weekend and I think it will be interesting. My grandparents are going to be there as well and I haven't seen them in a while and I have never really connected with them, so it should be interesting, I think that I am partly going home because I haven't seen them in two years and I feel bad. The other part is going home and getting home cooking and also going home to play some Halo Reach with my friend Adam.

I think it is time to go to bed now, because my eyes are doing a squinty thing, which reminds me that I am going to be getting my Ray Bans here in the next week and looking cool.

Much Love and Respect,
Spenny

If You Really Knew Me

As I have been watching this season of "If You Really Knew Me", I have been thinking more and more about if people really knew me. They talk about how everyone needs to be heard, I don't feel like anyone is listening. Honestly. I don't want to sound selfish, but I think that it would be healthy. I feel unhealthy in my heart. It is more than sin though, it is pressure. The pressures of life are getting to me. What is the next step in life, when are you gonna get married and to who, why don't you care about school? I fell alone. There are some people that I talk to but I don't think of them as people that I can open up to. Somehow I started off University being an open book, but have closed down since then. I know this makes me sound like I am sad all the time, but I am not. I am just a little depressed and lonely, There will be something to come. I have faith. I hope you are doing well and I look forward to talking to you again.

Much Love and Respect,
Spenny

IV Year Jitters

So this is my fourth year of university and I don't feel like have been in school for the last four years. It doesn't even seem like I am 22 or out of High School. When is this 3 year long summer break gonna end and let me go back to Mrs. R's class and learn about CS Lewis.

I don't want to be a big boy. I want to play in my back yard with a box and Benny again. (I say this as I drink coffee, which I assure you is a big boy drink). I long for the days when I can just lay in the back yard with no worries of tomorrow. I am now hitting the stage in my life where I have to find a job and work for about 30 - 35 years and be able to retire. Although, I am not really sure how my generation is suppose to retire, if all of the SS is gone to my parents. That sucks.

I will be gradating in the next 8 months and I will be forced to find a job, so that I can pay off my loans and get a handle on what it means to be an adult. The only problem is, that I am not ready yet. I feel like my parents are still holding the reigns in my life in some areas. Most of my friends are getting or have gotten married in the past year. Oh Boy!!! I don't feel like I will get married till I am 30 or so.

This is a lot of things to think about while in your senior year of University and I don't think that it is all that helpful or healthy. I do have a lot of people pouring into me with advice and counsel... and prayer, can't forget that one. My pastor back home: Ashley has become my new Dan Allen and assists me in any area I ask of him; multiple pastors in Fargo: Pastor Brad helps me with preparation for Small Group and leadership; Pastor Matthew St John helps me with future preparations and seminary; Pastor Jeff Walton helps with ideas on how to make counseling a reality and Gary Vaughn helps me by locating the right people or counsel. See, I am surrounded by a plethora of guys that help me and there are more that pray for me and check in at random points to make sure I am on task and doing alright.

I do have to say in the last year and a half, my dependence on people has gone down, which at times is great, because then they do not become idols in my life, but at other times, I am lonely and I don't seek God, so I am completely miserable. I know this sounds back, but it is somewhat comforting to me. As the years go on, I will depend less on people and more on God, so my life will slowly begin to look the way should have all the way.

I feel slowly as this blog was being written, my heart started to change and I began to see that I am maturing, but sometimes I can't see my own growth. I may have felt like I am still a child an hour ago and fell into the standard of the world, but now I am starting to feel like God has put a greater call on my life and I just need to embrace it and learn to deal with that feeling of complacency.

Although, no matter what, I think that I will always be an ADD person and hate doing homework. I just do.

I hope that my random rambling made you happy or sad, as long as you are feeling something.

Love and Respect,
Spenny

Furture

So I have had some time to take a break from blogging and a vision for the future. I desire to continue my experience that I have taken up in University. I have started to love to talk to people and try and assist them in their troubles. I desire in some small way to become a Biblical counselor. I have had mixed feelings from this. "Can I do it?", "Is this just a whim or is this what I am suppose to do?". My sister assures me that I will not be able to listen to people that long and help them. I have also been told that if i want to do that, I will also have to do another job in a church, because most churches can not afford to pay someone to just be a counselor.

This along with the coming of my new pastor to my church back in Williston, North Dakota, has sparked my desire to go into ministry. Did I see this coming? Not really, but in some way, I always knew that I would. Especially after I started to not care about any other job that I have had.

Sorry, let me get back to my new pastor and what I think about him. His name is Pastor Ashley Olinger. I would personally describe him as a mix of John Piper, Dan Allen and my Grandpa Stan. But if I would try and describe him to someone who doesn't know who those people are, I would have to say that he is a knowledgeable and wise man. He demands respect, all at the same time staying completely humble. It only took me hearing him speak once to see that he is going to destroy the communities in Western North Dakota. And by that, I mean that he is going to take everyone by surprise. I see some of the things he is doing, done at college and in the campus ministries, but the people over in Williston have never seen this stuff and they will never see it coming.

I really wish that I could have been a real Christian long before now and he would have been my pastor before this time. I would have loved to be discipled by him in high school and gone to the same school in Canada as him, so that I could have gotten the same training as him, so that I would be as effective as him. But you know what, I can not live in the past, and all I can really do is live for the future.

As great as Ashley is, he would be nothing without his wife Lisa. She is the ying to his yang the peanut butter to his jelly. She is as strong as an ox mentally-wise. If something needs to get done, Lisa can do it. She is organized and can get you out of a tough pinch. (I think that is a term... sorry if it isn't). I am excited to see them work in the future. I think once I hang out with her more in the future I can lock down a more descriptive paragraph.

They have two sons too. Maybe in a future blog I will type on them. Aaron and Adam are awesome for their own reasons. They inspire me, Aaron for his responsibility and Adam for his likability and knowledge/wisdom at a young age.

Love and Respect,
Spenny